


Not Allowed

by acedott



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Social Anxiety, Touch-Starved, random capitalizations for Emphasis bc im Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24086518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acedott/pseuds/acedott
Summary: Gwen has been dealing with self-imposed touch starvation since she was a child. Morgana sets out to challenge this.
Relationships: Gwen/Morgana (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 92





	Not Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> Gwen’s last name comes from Guyanese women and children's activist Karen de Souza, since Angel Coulby is Guyanese.

Guinevere de Souza had a rule: she was Not Allowed to touch her friends.

It wasn’t that she disliked touch. She liked it quite a lot, actually. But she knew that touching her friends was Wrong, so she was Not Allowed. There were exceptions, of course. A hug when a friend was sad, or after summer vacation when you hadn’t seen each other for months was alright. A casual swat on the arm after a playful barb was also fine. Tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention was Acceptable, so long as that was a last resort. But she couldn’t linger, it couldn’t be too long. Because if she let herself linger, they would Know. And then they couldn’t be friends anymore. She wasn’t sure what exactly it was that they would Know, but she knew they would Know it, and nobody could ever Know. 

Slowly, this rule came to apply to everyone. Any physical contact with people Must Not Linger, or they would Know. Eye contact Must Not Linger, or they would Know. Her skin came to feel as if it was constantly humming, in need of stimulation. Gwen took this as a further sign of something about her being Wrong, so she admitted it to nobody. If they realized this, after all, they might Know. 

The biggest challenge to this rule came in fifth grade when Morgana Pendragon moved to town. Morgana, who quickly decided she and Gwen were best friends, was very tactile. Never inappropriately, but she was a firm believer in the Magic of hugs, and bestowed her Magic generously. She also liked to hold Gwen’s hand while walking or lean against her when sitting. Gwen couldn’t (and didn’t want to) refuse her, because to obviously avoid physical contact was as likely to make people Know as seeking out physical contact. 

This all came to a head on Gwen’s 30th birthday. Morgana, who had remained her best and closest friend, insisted on throwing her a birthday party. Nothing large, just a simple movie night with friends. Other than the two of them, it was only Morgana’s half-brother Arthur and his boyfriend Merlin. Morgana insisted on cooking them all dinner in Gwen’s apartment, though she did allow Merlin to bring a store-bought cake and let Arthur bring a decent wine.

“Alright, birthday girl. What’s the movie?” Merlin asked, browsing her DVDs.

“Why do you even  _ have  _ DVDs anymore anyway? You had to buy a whole separate...thingamjig to watch them on,” Arthur griped. “Just stream it like everyone else.”

“Or watch it on technically-less-than-legal websites like those of us  _ without  _ a trust fund,” Morgana suggested, setting down veggie burgers in front of everyone.

Arthur rolled his eyes. 

“I like how tangible DVDs are,” Gwen replied. “To have something I can actually hold in my hand is...comforting. I don’t know, it’s silly,” she laughed.

Morgana put a hand on her arm. “That’s not silly, it’s beautiful.”

Gwen’s arm sang under the contact of her hand. She refused to move her arm, but she also refused to acknowledge it. That was the only way to keep them from Knowing. “As for the movie, whatever you all want to watch is fine.”

“Guinevere.” Whenever Merlin used her full name, she knew he meant business. “This is  _ your  _ birthday. We will eat what you want to eat and  _ not complain _ .” This was directed at Arthur with a very pointed look. “And we will watch whatever you want and not complain. And we don’t mind doing it because we’re your friends and we love you.”

Arthur nodded and briefly patted her knee. “Even if you wanted to eat grass and watch a documentary on paint drying. But please don’t make us do that.”

Gwen laughed, feeling her heart warm. “As tempting as that sounds, I really just want to watch  _ D.E.B.S.  _ for the millionth time with you all.”

Arthur groaned despite himself. “Again?...I mean, wonderful, let’s watch it again. With our dear friend Gwen who we would do anything for.”

“Very convincing, babe,” Merlin said sarcastically.

“ _ I  _ think that sounds excellent!” Morgana picked out the well-worn DVD case eagerly. “Early 2000s gay classics with a bunch of queers is the best way to celebrate a birthday.”

“We know. We had a whole marathon of  _ The L Word  _ for your birthday,” Gwen teased. That birthday party was memorable for three reasons: 1) Gwen realized she was gay. 2) Gwen realized that she could handle her liquor better than everyone but Arthur. And 3) Gwen realized she was in love with Morgana.

“I’m surprised you remember any of that party,” Merlin joked. “You’re a pretty spacey drunk.”

She chuckled awkwardly. “It’s all a bit fuzzy except that," Gwen lied. She chanced a quick look at Morgana through her eyelashes, but fortunately (or unfortunately) the other woman was putting the DVD in.

“Shut up, everyone. A cinematic masterpiece is about to begin.” Morgana said. Her tone of voice sounded like she was kidding, but everyone knew she was 100% serious.

They all laughed and joked throughout the movie. Arthur did his best not to groan, which wasn’t that well, but he did get visibly invested in the ending. Merlin shushed Arthur constantly but otherwise drank and watched mostly quietly. Morgana recited half the lines along with the movie. And Gwen, well.

Morgana had cuddled up against Gwen’s side the second she finished eating. Gwen hadn’t processed anything happening since then. Her thoughts were a semi-coherent jumble of  _ she’s touching me she’s next to me what do I do what do I do she’s right here oh my god oh my god oh my god _ .

Before she knew it, the movie was over and Arthur was hauling a drunk Merlin up. “I’ve got to get him home before he passes out. Happy birthday again, Gwen!”

“Haaaaaaabby bir’day to youuuuuuuu! Haaaaaaaaaaabby bir’day  _ to  _ youuuuuu!” Merlin began singing very drunkenly and off-key.

“Okay babe, let’s go home.” Arthur half-carried him out the door with Merlin still singing.

“Good night, boys!” Morgana called out the door. Gwen chuckled and got up to start the dishes.

“Gwen, you don’t have to do the dishes on your own birthday!” 

“You cooked, I clean. That’s only fair.”

“Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Birthdays aren’t about  _ fair _ .” Morgana placed a hand on the small of Gwen’s back. Her brain short-circuited. “If ever there was time for you to be selfish, it’s your birthday.”

“O-Oh. Um, alright.” Gwen reluctantly backed up and let Morgana do the dishes. Still filled with nervous energy, she put the rest of the cake into the fridge just to have something to do.

After a few moments of silence, Morgana spoke up, back still turned. “Gwen? Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” Gwen replied with some trepidation. She hadn’t managed to shake her old fear that people would Know, that they would one day find out that she was Wrong and would stop being her friend.

“Do you not like it when I touch you? Even since we were kids, you always stiffen up every time I touch you. And you never initiate it, either.”

The air rushed out of Gwen’s chest in a rush. “No! I mean, no, I don’t dislike it when you touch me. Or, yes, I  _ do  _ like it when you touch me.”

“Then what is it? Is it...is it  _ me _ ?”

“No, Morgana, not at all! I...This is going to sound silly.”

Morgana turned around. “Gwen, it’s me. I always want to know what you’re thinking and feeling.”

Gwen took a deep breath. “Alright. So...so when I was a kid, back Before. I think I _knew_ , subconsciously, that I was gay. But I didn’t know then that that was okay. So I guess I...repressed it, consciously, but the shame still lingered. And it just kind of left me with this feeling, that if I messed up, people would Know, somehow, that I was...that I was Wrong. And if I touched them too much, or made too much eye contact, then they would Know. Especially with my female friends, obviously, but after a while it just kind of became with everyone.” It was a relief to get that off of her chest, so she kept going. “And...And then, last year when I realized I was gay, I realized something else. I...IrealizedI’minlovewithyouandhavebeenforyears and I was scared that you would Know if I touched you, and that you would leave and stop being my friend. And then Arthur and Merlin would go with you and I’d be back without any friends. Alone.”

“Oh, Gwen,” Morgana sighed. She took a step forward, then paused. “Can I hug you?”

Gwen nodded. Morgana’s arms were instantly around her, holding her gently but securely. Gwen’s eyes watered and she began to cry.

“Gwen, sweet Gwen, it’s alright. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I never would,” Morgana murmured soothingly. She pressed a kiss to her forehead. “And for the record, I love you too.”

This made Gwen cry harder, though these were tears of joy. “You do?”

Morgana tilted up Gwen’s tear-stained face to look her in the eye. “I do. I always have.” She paused again. “Can I kiss you?”

Unable to speak, Gwen nodded. Morgana pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. It was slightly salty from her tears, a little wet, and Gwen’s face was still a little contorted from crying.

Gwen pulled back and laughed softly. “Can we try again when I’ve stopped crying?”

Morgana pulled her in to an even closer hug. Gwen rested her head on Morgana’s shoulder. “Of course. I’ve waited almost twenty years, I can wait a little longer.” 

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty personal because this is essentially what I went through, minus the love confession. I see a lot of myself in both Gwen and Morgana and can't help projecting onto them quite a bit, but Gwen especially.


End file.
